Who Am I?

Do you know yourself? Do you know what things truly bring you joy in life and what things really push your buttons? Do you know when and how to be kind to yourself because you know that you’re not feeling well? On the flipside, do you know when it’s appropriate to be a little bit hard on yourself – to push yourself – in order to achieve a goal?

I have been struggling a lot lately with how I feel. I often feel like my head is in a very dense fog and I can’t concentrate on anything. About a week ago I was able to find some time when my head was somewhat clear and I was trying to sort out what was going on. It just didn’t seem normal and at times was quite frightening. Most frightening was the fact that these feelings just come out of nowhere, without warning, and hit me like a ton of bricks.

While trying to sort out where some of this was coming from I realized that I honestly have no idea who I am – what makes me, me. What do I truly enjoy? What do I truly dislike? Are those things okay? What are my skills/talents/abilities? Am I using those things as God would have me to bring glory to Him? I couldn’t answer a single one of those questions and I realized that I may be standing in the way of God working in me and through me because I am not actively participating in my own life. I have just been along for the ride, thinking that I had some semblance of control over my life while really just being a pinball (love the game - don't care for it so much as a lifestyle).

So, I’m on a mission: To determine my God definition. God speaks to me in all kinds of ways in many places every day. Sometimes I see it and sometimes I don’t. Only when I am truly in tune with who God has made me to be will I be able to allow His love to fill me and then to flow through me to the world around me. I don’t deny that there are wounds from my past that will need more time to heal. That is one thing in which I am actively participating! I love the story of the clay in the potter’s hands in Jeremiah 18: “So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.” Just because I am wounded or scarred does not mean that God is not still working on me, does not love me, and is not going to make me into something usable. As long as I remain in the Potter’s hands then He will continue to work on me – either refining the wounds and scars or incorporating them into what makes me, me – a unique, usable vessel created that way on purpose, for a purpose.

There is a line from the book The Shack, by William Young, that goes along with this. I don’t remember exactly how it goes but the gist of it is this: God does not orchestrate tragedies in our lives but that does not mean that He won’t use those tragedies for our own good and His glory.